Wildlife

I've decided to write a book entitled, Things in Australia that Won't Hurt You. It shouldn't take long to write, given that the entire book will consist on one word: Koalas (although there will be a footnote warning that although mostly harmless, these cuddly creatures can have a nasty disposition).

Everything else, however, is quite dangerous. Case and point - last week, I was enjoying lunch out in the sunny garden located at our office. At the time, I was engaged in conversation, at which point something was said that was either hysterically funny, or patently absurd. Whatever the cause, I ended up falling backward off the bench I was sitting on. [Now it should be noted that this qualified as an occupational safety and health "incident", but I declined to fill out the appropriate paperwork.] In any case, falling backwards while seated at a height of about 18 inches is typically not cause for concern, especially when one has a nice plush lawn of grass to break one's fall. However, I instinctively put my hands out to further augment by descent. As my hands made contact with the ground, I became acutely aware that the grass within our garden here at CSIRO is unlike anything I'm used to from the states. You may be familiar with the expression "blades of grass". In this case, this is a very apt description. Whatever strange form of low-lying vegetation I landed on pierced the skin on my hands in about a dozen places, leaving them looking like a pair of pin cushions. Undoubtedly my wounds were also infected with some strange slow-acting, necrotic poison and it's only a matter of time before I swell up and die.

In the meantime, spring here in Australia brings the return of other types of wildlife, largely in the form of small winged creatures that will pester you ceaselessly and crawl into any and every orifice you present. Some people call these things flies. I call them Satan.